Is there something about yourself that you would like to change? It could be a habit, lifestyle choice, thought pattern, personality trait, an addiction… Internal conflict is tricky business. There’s nothing more frustrating and scary than struggling against yourself. Throw external shittiness at me all day and I will namaste my way through it but I find NOTHING as unsettling as feeling like an enemy towards myself.
My eating disorder is an example of my own struggle for internal change. My recovery hasn’t been the uninterrupted, straight line I’ve wanted it to be. It’s taken years, it’s been up and down and on and off. Just when I think I’ve finally rid myself of the negative voices, they blindside me from around the corner. Letting myself down is a hopeless feeling. How am I supposed to give myself the love I need to change when I’m the one fucking myself over?
I was talking to my roommate about this feeling the other day and she said “Sophie, you are a person of extremes”. She’s so right. I’ve been trying to cure myself of a controlling, all or nothing mental illness with a controlling, all or nothing mindset! I want so badly to be able to draw a line in the sand, to put an immediate barrier between me and my problems. All or nothing. Black or white. Perfection or failure. There has never been an in between.
But what would happen if I accepted the inevitable human struggle of my recovery and own self discovery? What if I sat silently in the in between of who I am and who I want to be? Looked at my setbacks as lessons instead of failures? Or better yet, accepted myself exactly where I was, without judgement. Just like any goal or journey, it is not realistic to jump from A to D. The same goes for self improvement and change. Instead of trying to jump across the entire ravine, work on building a bridge. Each set back can serve as a building block for the structure that will eventually reach the other side. I’m learning to trust the space between where I am and where I want to be and accepting that it’s the process that creates the foundation for lasting change.
Can you relate to the all or nothing mindset? Be patient with your addictions, your shortcomings and your struggles. Instead, accept the inbetween stage as inevitable and necessary. Free yourself from the self imposed pressure of having to change overnight and be okay with the time and space it takes to cultivate lasting growth.